


Unicorn No Go ('Cause Derek Took Care of It)

by Silvarbelle



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: 1lostone requested this, F/M, M/M, oh my!, unicorns and werewolves and stiles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-30
Updated: 2012-07-30
Packaged: 2017-11-11 01:25:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/472922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvarbelle/pseuds/Silvarbelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Oh, my God," Derek sighed, and shook his head.  "How is this my life?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unicorn No Go ('Cause Derek Took Care of It)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [1lostone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/1lostone/gifts).



It was Boyd that spotted the creature first.

Although, considering the way the large white horse with the shining white horn sticking out of its forehead reared and bucked upon scenting the werewolves, it wasn't as though any of them could actually miss the thing.

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Boyd muttered, staring at the animal unfortunately tangled in a bramble thicket. "It's a freaking _unicorn!_ "

"Yeah, Boyd, we can see that," Isaac replied, also staring at the extremely nervous animal. "The only question is: what do we _do_ with it?"

"Get it out of there before something bad happens to it, maybe?" Boyd offered.

"Do you think unicorn tastes good?" Erica wondered aloud.

The unicorn's head went up for a moment. It stomped a hoof, snorted, and lowered its head to point its horn at her in a You-can-fuck-right-off manner.

"I don't think it liked that suggestion," Isaac opined.

"How was I supposed to know it can understand us? It's not supposed to exist!" she argued.

"Neither are _werewolves_ , but, hey, hi – here we are!"

Erica rolled her eyes. "Yes, we're here, and so is that thing. What do we do about it?"

"Aren't you supposed to be the one that befriends it or something by being a girl?" Isaac countered.

"Actually, it's supposed to be a _virginal_ woman that tames the wild unicorn," Boyd replied. "The myth of the unicorn has changed over several centuries – especially during the Renaissance era – but nowadays, people think any old virgin will do... but most still actually think of a female."

The two male werewolves looked at Erica. She curled her lip at them.

"Don't look at me," she retorted. "I took care of _that_ little problem a while ago."

"Oh, great," Isaac groaned. "Now whadda we do?"

"Holy _shit!_ "

The three young werewolves turned at the yell and found Jackson and Lydia walking towards them. Jackson was the one who had yelled and was gaping incredulously at the unicorn.

The unicorn huffed a sigh and let its’ head drop briefly.

"Aw, look," Erica cooed, her tone faux-sweet. "It's The Perfect Couple! Too bad, though, because we need a virgin and that lets you two out."

"Honey, you're trying too hard," Lydia reprimanded, her tone gentle. "Stop before you embarrass yourself."

Erica's claws came out. "Listen, you—“

"Is now really the time?" Boyd wondered. "We've got—“

"A freaking _unicorn_ ," Jackson muttered.

"Yeah, thanks, covered that already, Captain Obvious," Isaac grumbled.

"Guess how much you need to shut up right now, Lahey?"

"Not as much as _you_ do, asshat!"

Boyd covered his face with his hand for a moment, and then snapped, "Can we focus on the trapped and injured supernatural creature? Please?"

"Good idea, Boyd," Lydia praised. "So, what have we come up with so far?"

"We need a virgin to get it out of the mess it’s in," Isaac replied, "but we seem to be fresh out."

"Yes... seem to be," Lydia murmured, and everyone looked at her in confusion. "Has anyone tried contacting Stiles?"

The ringing bellow of "Of _course!_ " from all the rest of them startled the unicorn into a whinny.

Lydia made the call, since she was the only one among them that Stiles responded to in a positive manner. Ten minutes later, Stiles and Derek joined them all in the woods at the far edge of the Hale property.

As soon as Derek arrived, the unicorn went into Full Alert mode. The presence of the junior werewolves was worrisome, but the Alpha was a bigger and meaner threat to be anxious about.

"Dude," Stiles muttered, "is that unicorn giving you the stink-eye?"

Derek rolled his eyes. "Don't call me 'dude', Stiles."

"Yeah, whatever. But, no, seriously! I think it's trash-talking you. Look at the way the poor thing's moving its' head! That's unicorn horn trash-talk, right there."

"How the hell would _you_ know?" Derek countered. "Been around a few unicorns before?"

"Du-errrrek," Stiles said, not-so-smoothly changing his verbal path, "the things I read when I do research for the pack! You have no idea. Unicorns show up, sometimes."

"Well, good," Lydia said. "That means you know what to do with this one - so do it."

Jackson smirked; a vicious little grin. "Yeah, Stilinski! Go soothe the savage beast."

Stiles glared at him. "What makes you think _I'm_ the Unicorn Whisperer?"

"Because you're _you_ and we need a virgin to get the damn thing out of there!"

At that, Stiles looked at Derek. He blushed, the color bright pink on his pale skin, and ducked his head as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

Derek glanced at Stiles, and then at the rest of his pack. His eyes widened for a moment before he turned to glare at the unicorn.

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me!" Jackson shouted. "Even _Stilinski?_ I thought that was the one absolute in life: nobody wants a piece of his pale, skinny ass!"

Derek's furious growl reverberated around the group. The unicorn wriggled and thrashed, trying to get free. It finally gave up with a sigh of disgust.

Jackson stared wide-eyed at Derek. "Uhhhh... well... um... present company excepted? I mean, if that's what does it for you..."

"I can't believe it," Erica said, laughing. "The hell did you do, Stiles? Ambush him close to a full moon with an aphrodisiac or something?"

Stiles sputtered. "You make me sound like a highwayman and he's some kind of six-horse-drawn carriage I robbed! 'Stand and Deliver your penis, good sir! Give me orgasms or give me your life!'"

Lydia let rip an inelegant snort before she started laughing, covering her mouth to muffle the sound. Jackson and Isaac looked ill, Boyd rolled his eyes, and Erica gaped.

"Oh, my God," Derek sighed, and shook his head. "How is this my life?"

"You're just that lucky?" Stiles offered.

After a moment, Derek gave a small smile and a gentle cuff to Stiles' head. "You might be right about that."

"Awww," the girls cooed when Stiles beamed a bright and happy smile at Derek.

"I'm going to be sick," Jackson grumbled. "Okay. Stilinski is a unicorn no go because Derek took care of it. Who _else_ we gonna call?"

"How about Allison?" Stiles suggested.

"Um... that's probably not going to work, either," Boyd suggested tactfully.

Stiles rolled his eyes. "No, I _know_. I meant: she comes from a family of Hunters, right? She might know how to get the unicorn out. Shoot the brambles off it with her arrows or something."

Derek shook his head. "I don't want the Argents on my property and I certainly don't need the drama that will result when her parents cotton on to the fact that she's not suitable unicorn-tamer material."

"So whadda we do?" Isaac demanded to know. “We can’t just go kidnap some random nine-year-old to do the job!”

Derek fixed him with a look. "How about _you_ go over and get that thing out of there?"

Isaac froze even as everyone turned to look at him.

"Oh," Erica said, blinking at him. "I... um. Sorry? I thought you were..."

Stiles whapped the back of his hand against Derek's leather-covered arm. "Way to break the bro-code, man."

Derek snorted and shoved Stiles away from him.

"There's the little problem of Isaac still being a werewolf," Boyd pointed out. "The unicorn doesn't like us for that reason alone."

"Jackson's a lizard," Isaac pointed out.

"Snake," Jackson snapped. "The kanima form is snake-based!"

"Yes," Lydia said, patting his shoulder, "very menacing and deadly, Jackson."

He glared at her and rolled his shoulder to discourage her touch.

"Before you two break-up and make-up again for the umpteenth time," Boyd warned, "I'm pretty sure the kanima form won't help, either."

"Right you are, Boyd!" Stiles agreed. "The unicorn is the representative of purity and grace. The snake is the representative of sin and villainy. Plus, horses hate snakes in general, so unless we want to see Jackson turned into fancy h'orderves...?"

Everyone looked at Jackson with varying degrees of amusement and interest - except for the unicorn. It looked at Jackson like it was going to dice him into scaly bits if he went anywhere near it.

Jackson crossed his arms over his chest. "Isaac, get your fuzzy ass over there and end this weird-ass circus!"

"Two asses in one sentence," Stiles marveled. "And you couldn't help mentioning mine. Got a fixation, Jackson, buddy?"

"Stilinski, I will _end_ you," Jackson snarled.

"Touch him and Danny will _definitely_ inherit your Porsche," said Derek, his expression calm despite the red-glow glare he leveled on the teenager.

Jackson's eyes widened and he held up his hands in surrender.

Isaac let out a sharp sigh and said, "Fine! Fine. But only because I'm really tired of all of you at this point. Also...? If that thing gores me while I'm trying to help it, I'm blaming every last one of you."

"You could try not calling it a 'thing'," Stiles suggested. "Insulting the unicorn isn't going to get you brownie points."

" _Stiles_...." Isaac snarled, bristling.

Stiles mimed zipping his lips and took two quick steps to huddle by Derek's side. That Derek shifted a little to partially shield Stiles was not lost on anyone.

Isaac stepped forward. The unicorn's head went up and it let out an equine snort. He pointed at it and snapped, "Okay, buster, listen up! No one's gonna hurt you, okay? As soon as I get you out of this, you are _extremely_ welcome to go on your merry way. We'd prefer it, actually. So the more you stand still, the faster this will go, and the happier we'll all be!"

The unicorn shifted from hoof-to-hoof-to-hoof-to-hoof, pondering the deal. Finally, it bobbed its head and settled down, though it tracked Isaac's movements with a wary gaze.

"I can't tell what freaks me out more: the fact that unicorns exist or that they can understand human speech,” Lydia wondered aloud.

"I'll freak out if it starts talking back to us," said Stiles. "Hey! You can't talk, can you? If you can, say something! Speak, o unicorn, and we will listen!"

Jackson started laughing and Erica joined in at the filthy look the unicorn gave Stiles.

"I don't think you want to hear anything it might have to say, Stiles," Boyd said, grinning.

"Rude," Stiles muttered, and leaned to rest against Derek.

Isaac worked quickly and, soon enough, the unicorn clambered out of the bramble thicket.

"Awesome!" Stiles crowed, and walked forward. "Man, this is so—“

The unicorn reared up, neighing, and Stiles stopped in his tracks. The unicorn dropped down to all fours, spun in a circle, flicked its tail, and then faced Stiles and weaved its head in such a way that the horn became a dangerous weapon.

Seeing that Stiles wasn't making a move, the unicorn drew itself up tall. It peered down the length of its face at the fragile teenage boy. Then, it turned and cocked a leg to spill a stream of urine on the ground in front of Stiles. When it was done, it whirled in a graceful turn and took off at a run through the woods, vanishing within seconds.

Everyone remained still and silent with surprise for a few moments.

Then, Boyd turned to Derek and said, "....Dude. I dunno what you did to him, but he is on every unicorn's shit-list for a million years."

Stiles and Derek both facepalmed even as the others lost it and began laughing so hard they were near howling with it.

 

The End


End file.
